Professor Mark Noble Shares
his Thinking on the Uptick in Loneliness.
Rhonda starts today’s podcast with a beautiful podcast
endorsement from Eduardo, a fan who loved our recent podcast 303,
featuring the dramatic, humble, and inspiring Jason Meno, a data
scientist and software engineer who is making superb contributions
to the Feeling Good App. Eduardo was especially interested in how
to bring non-verbal, difficult-to-access negative thoughts to
conscious awareness with the Stick Figure Technique.
Today we interview Professor Mark Noble on the topic of
loneliness. Mark is best known for his pioneering research on stem
cells, but he has become an active and beloved member of the
TEAM-CBT community since joining one of my Sunday hikes back in
(date?)
Mark is currently an active member and small group leader in
Rhonda’s Wednesday TEAM training group. He generously wrote
brilliant chapter for my most recent book, Feeling Great,
and has also written the Brain Users Guide to TEAM CBT which you
can download for free from
https://www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com/resources
Mark begins by dedicating today’s podcast to listeners who may
be struggling with feelings of loneliness, and explains that
loneliness appears to be on the increase, along with virtually all
types of negative feelings, especially since the onset of the
pandemic.
He emphasizes that there are many roads to loneliness,
including:
Loss of a loved one, including friends, family, colleagues, or
even a beloved pet
Betrayal by someone you trusted
Being trapped in an abusive relationship
Being abandoned or neglected as a child
Not being accepted by your family due to sexual orientation,
religious preference, choice of life partner, or other factors
Feelings of isolation due to COVID
A dead marriage
Infidelity
And more.
Of course, Social anxiety is one of the most common causes of
loneliness, and last week we interviewed two individual, Cai Chen,
MD, and Chan Mary Soeur, RN, BSN, who have fallen in love. Both
were lonely and struggled for years with social anxiety. Their work
with TEAM-CBT has not only helped them greatly with their anxiety
and loneliness, but has brought them intense romantic love!
Not bad!
People struggling with loneliness often think there’s something
“wrong” with them. For example, you may feel unlovable, and fear
that you’ll be alone forever. In addition, the belief that we
“need” love to feel happy and fulfilled often leaves the lonely
individual feeling like they’re doomed to endless unhappiness and a
lack of fulfillment if they’re alone. Mark explains that the
scientific definition of loneliness is the distress you feel when
you think that your ”needs” for connection and relationships differ
from what you have.
In addition, he believes that loneliness is not abnormal, but
is rather an indication of healthy brain function that has been
important to the survival of the human race. For example, feelings
of loneliness motivate us to connect with others. In fact, feelings
of loneliness prompt babies to cry for their mothers when they feel
hungry, hurt, or alone, and this process begins within seconds of
being born.
We raised the question of whether the cure for loneliness is
internal or external. The internal solution involves changing the
way you think, and your relationship with yourself. The external
solution involves trying to find a loving partner or becoming more
involved in activities with others. Although this is the solution
most people pursue, it often falls short.
David emphasizes the important of the internal solution, and
discovering that you can feel completely happy and fulfilled when
you’re alone. In fact, this is the first step in overcoming
loneliness that he emphasizes in his book, Intimate
Connections.
Mark, Rhonda and David also discuss some of the paradoxes of
TEAM-CBT, and how the “need” for love often drives others away,
since you are asking people to give you something you can only give
yourself. In contrast, when you feel happy within, and no longer
“need” the love of others, love will often pursue you.
We hope you enjoyed today’s podcast, and want to thank our
buddy, Professor Noble, who has made so many in our TEAM-CBT
community feel less lonely and more connected!
Warmly,
Mark, Rhonda, and David
About the Podcast
This podcast features David D. Burns MD, author of "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy," describing powerful new techniques to overcome depression and anxiety and develop greater joy and self-esteem. For therapists and the general public alike!