In today’s podcast we are proud to interview Dr. Kyle Jones
from the Feeling Good Institute in Mountain View, California.
Kyle Jones, PhD is a clinical psychology postdoctoral fellow
affiliated with Feeling Good Institute in Mountain View, California
where he provides individual psychotherapy in a private practice.
He co-leads a monthly consultation group with Maggie Holtam, PhD
where therapists can get help with exposure methods for anxiety. He
has recently become an Adjunct Professor of Psychology at Palo Alto
University - teaching Clinical Interviewing in the clinical
psychology PhD program.
Kyle wrote: “Here are some questions from patients of mine for
our podcast today - we don't have to go through all of these bust
just some talking points!"
We will publish part of the questions in today's podcast, and
several more next week. There are even more questions, so let us
know if you would want a Part 3 on this topic at some time in the
future.
Below you will find the list of questions with some responses
by David and Rhonda BEFORE the podcast. To get the true scoop,
listen to the podcast, as most of the comments below were simply
ideas that popped into our heads prior to the podcast.
Although we focus on romantic rejection in these two podcasts,
the idea really pertain to rejection in all segments of our
lives.
1. Why do you think it’s so hard for us humans to
handle rejection/why do you think we are so afraid of
it?
David
THE LOVE ADDICTION SDB. LOOKING TO
EXTERNAL SOURCES FOR FEELINGS OF SELF-WORTH AND HAPPINESS. THE CBA
IS CRUCIAL, SINCE PEOPLE MAY NOT WANT TO STOP LINKING SELF WORTH
WITH LOVE.
Rhonda
Plus, it hurts. And our brain
is wired to experience pain when rejected. We are wired that
way.
Evolutionary psychologists believe
it all started when we were hunter gatherers who lived in clans.
Since we could not survive alone, being ostracized from our clan
was basically a death sentence. As a result, we developed an early
warning system to alert us when we were at risk of being rejected
by our tribemates. People who experienced rejection as more painful
were more likely to change their behavior, remain in the clan, and
pass along their genes.
Kyle
Getting dumped sucks! We aren’t
really taught how to handle rejection very well in our
culture.
2. Are we capable of overcoming the fear of rejection
and how do we accomplish that?
David
You can face your fear with
REJECTION PRACTICE. The FIRST SECTION OF INTIMATE CONNECTIONS IS ON
OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE.
Rhonda
Is part of the fear of rejection
also a fear of being alone? You can use the “What If”
technique to uncover more about those fears. Then put the
thoughts in a Daily Mood Log, and challenge them with a variety of
techniques you can select for a Recovery Circle. You can also face
your fears with Rejection Practice and/or Exposure.
3. When it comes to getting dumped do you guys believe
there is a good way to approach it communicating
wise?
David
YOU CAN USE FIVE SECRETS TO FIND
OUT WHY THE OTHER PERSON IS REJECTING YOU. OR, PERHAPS BETTER, YOU
CAN TURN THE TABLES ON THE REJECTOR, SINCE IT IS PART OF A CHASE
GAME.
Rhonda
If you want to know more about why
you were “dumped,” will you trust the other person to be honest
with you? Will you believe them when they respond? You
might want to do a Cost Benefit Analysis to decide whether or not
you even want to ask them to explain why you were “dumped.”
Kyle
It depends on the situation. If you
have gone through a divorce and have children, you may still need
to talk with you ex-partner. Generally, I don’t think it’s a good
idea to stay in touch and keep chatting with an ex who dumped
you!
4. If we are caught off guard with the breakup and
don’t see it coming and all of a sudden one day our partner decides
to end the relationship, how do we not let our emotions get the
best of us in that moment in that very moment?
David
WHEN YOU SAY, “GET THE BEST OF US”
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE NOT ACCEPTING YOUR FEELINGS. IS IT OKAY TO
FEEL FEELINGS? THIS QUESTION SOUNDS LIKE EMOTOPHOBIA.
Rhonda
It’s perfectly reasonable to be
sad, to cry, to be shocked and angry. Why not have those
feelings? You also don’t have to expect to respond with a
“perfect 5-Secrets.” Maybe you need to take a break from each
other, breathe, walk, calm down, and then meet again to talk talk,
if that is what you want to do.
Kyle
If you get blindsided by a breakup
it can really be shocking and overwhelming. It’s okay to feel how
you feel in that moment I would think.
5. When it comes to recovery after being broken up
with, how do you fight the urge to go back to your
ex?
David
THIS URGE IS DUE TO THE BURNS RULE:
WE ONLY WHAT WE CAN’T GET, AND NEVER WANT WHAT WE CAN GET. ALSO,
CAN DO A CBA ON CHASING.
Rhonda
Also, look at the thoughts that are
leading you to want to get back together. What do they say
about you that is awesome? Then examine them for Cognitive
Distortions, and talk back to them with Dbl Standard or Ext of
Voices.
Do a “Time Projection,” see
yourself in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years. Have a
conversation with your future selves to talk about what you want,
what kind of person you want to be with, how you want to be treated
in the future.
Practice “Distraction,” when you
start thinking about your “ex” distract yourself by concentrating
intensely on something else, music, work, friends, cooking, another
hobby.
Kyle
Come back to reality and remember
all the crummy ways an ex may have been treating you, instead of
letting your mind ruminate on how great things were during the
first few weeks of dating. Come up with all the good reasons to
continue wishing/hoping you and your ex will get back together and
talk back to those.
My book, Intimate Connections, will help you with dating and
rejection issues!
Stay tuned for Part 2 next week.
About the Podcast
This podcast features David D. Burns MD, author of "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy," describing powerful new techniques to overcome depression and anxiety and develop greater joy and self-esteem. For therapists and the general public alike!