Aug 19, 2019
Ask David Five Secrets Relationship Questions
Kate asks: I love listening to your podcasts and am currently reading my way through your book, Feeling Good. I appreciate that you have written and spoken about relationship problems at length, but in what I have read and heard so far I do not see how this can apply to the current climate of casual dating and hook up culture which is fueled by apps such as Tinder.
I don't know how it's possible to build relationships when the dominant mentality is that people are disposable. It feels like no matter how much I find truth in what my date says, stroke them and empathize with them, that they will disappear ('ghost') at the drop of a hat.
I think this may be a significant problem for many of your listeners, and would greatly appreciate your thoughts, as well as any practical steps on how to date in today's world.
Eli asks: Your work has helped me tremendously over the past 2 years. However, recently I’ve discovered something about myself that I don’t know how to change. I’d be really curious to hear your thoughts.
For some reason, when it comes to sex, it seems that I have a lot of self-worth wrapped up in my sex drive. I’m realizing when my wife and I have sex I feel like I’m on top of the world afterwards. I feel so positive the following few days and I feel mentally and emotionally healthy. But it’s devastatingly real that the reverse is true as well... when we don’t have sex (and particularly when I reach out and she’s not in the mood) and when a week or so passes that we don’t have sex, I find myself feeling very insecure. I feel ugly, unlovable and generally less valuable as a person.
Is there an exercise you would recommend for me to discover possible hidden thoughts/emotions that could be causing this? Is it possible to change this about myself?
I want to have a close, intimate relationship with my wife (sexually and non-sexually) but I also want to feel valuable and positive whether or not we’re sexually active.
PS - If, by chance, you address this on the podcast, could you refer to me as “Eli” or something else anonymous as you usually do.
Thank you for all you have do!
Susan asks: You seem like a good person to ask this question partly because you are a man. Someone I know, I won’t say whom, told me he felt emasculated when I asked him to take my car to the gas station to get the wipers replaced.
He said that he should be able to replace them himself but doesn’t actually know how, so he would prefer if I took the car to the service station. I said that was stupid, granted not very diplomatic, and he said that’s what he gets for expressing his feelings, which I frequently complain he does not do.
To me “emasculated“ is more of a concept or a thought. I will not get into toxic masculinity and the patriarchy, but I am curious what you think. By the way, this person and I have benefited a lot from your relationship journal exercise, thankfully we did not need it this time :-)
Knaidu asks: Here’s a specific example which occurred whilst I was trying to use the disarming technique. It is one where I failed to use the technique.
Anyway, I was meeting a friend of mine, and was a running a few min late for our lunch appointment. I couldn't send her text to let her know as I was driving. I arrived at least 5 min late. When I arrived she immediately said
"I knew it all along, you really don't want to meet with me or actually have lunch with me!”
I tried to explain that I was stuck in a traffic jam and couldn't text, but it didn’t work. Here’s what I said:
“Please Mrs. X, I was stuck in a traffic jam and that's why I am late. Have I ever said I don't want to meet with you? And if I didn't why have I bothered to arrive at all, I mean I could have just not arrived if I didn't want to meet you!"
After I said that she stormed off.
I am afraid I could agree with her idea that I didn't really want to meet with her, because the truth was I did want to meet but couldn't help being late. I could agree with something that was not real to me and if I did try to agree, I would be lying to her.
Please help me, David and Rhonda!
Thanks for tuning in, and keep the great questions coming!
David and Rhonda