Cheerleading
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Empathy
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You’re trying to cheer someone up to make them feel
better.
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You are not trying to cheer them up. Instead, you acknowledge
how they’re thinking and feeling, and you encourage them to vent
and open up.
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You don’t acknowledge the validity of the person’s negative
thoughts and emotions. In fact, when you try to cheer them up,
you’re essentially telling that they’re wrong to feel upset. It’s a
subtle put down, or even a micro-aggression.
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You find the grain of truth in what the person is saying, even
if you think they’re exaggerating the negatives in their life.
Paradoxically, when you agree with them in a respectful way,
they will typically feel some relief and support.
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The effect is irritating to almost everybody who’s upset,
because you aren’t listening or showing any compassion or respect.
You’re telling them that you don’t want to hear what they have to
say. Cheerleading is condescending.
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Listening and acknowledging how they feel is a form of humility
and an expression of respect.
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You’re trying to control the other person. You’re telling them
how they should think and feel. There’s no
acceptance.
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You’re sitting with open hands and not trying to change or
control the other person. You’re just trying to understand and
support them in their suffering.
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Cheerleading is cheap and easy to learn. You’re like a used car
salesman, trying to promote your product.
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Empathy is difficult and challenging to learn because you have
to let go of the idea that you know what’s best for other people.
Listening requires going into the darkness with the other person,
this requires courage and vulnerability.
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You say generally nice things about someone, like you’re “a
good person,” or “a survivor,” thinking those formulaic words will
somehow change the way the other person is thinking and feeling.
You might also say, “don’t be so hard on yourself,” or “think of
all the positive things in your life,” or “you’ll be fine.”
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You focus on the other person’s specific thoughts and zero in
on exactly what they’re saying and how they might be feeling,
rather than throwing vague, general positives at them.
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These positives are simply an annoying attempt to distract the
person from their genuine feelings.
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You encourage the person to share and experience their negative
thoughts and feelings.
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You believe your role is to “help,” “fix” or “save” the other
person, who is broken.
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Your role is to be with the other
person in a loving way without trying to help or save them.
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You are being self-centered because you’re essentially
preaching the gospel and exclusively promoting your own ideas.
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You are being other-centered, focusing entirely on what the
other person is saying.
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You’re talking “at” the other person.
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You are NOT talking AT them, you are being WITH them.
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