In last week's podcast we interviewed Dr. Kyle Jones on the
topic of how to overcome romantic rejection, and answered five of
your questions. Today we publish Part 2 of that interview. Rhonda,
Kyle and David will tell you how to stop obsessing about someone
who has rejected you, and whether you can "heal completely,"and how
you can get your confidence back, and more!
6. Do you have any tips for moving on and realizing
that maybe your ex isn’t as great as you think they
20 qualities I’m looking for in an
Time, patience, space away from
each other. Make lists of qualities you liked about your ex and
qualities you wish were different. Fill out the form: “20
Qualities in An Ideal Mate” and review how many of these qualities
your ex had.
7. Since cheating is something that happens so often in
relationships, what would you recommend (techniques wise) for
someone who’s been cheated on in trying to get their confidence
YOU CAN USE THE DAILY MOOD LOG,
DOUBLE STANDARD, ETC. OVERCOME FEAR OF BEING ALONE. ETC. Examine
the Evidence; Worst, Best, Average.
Cheating can be really devastating
if you and your significant other were in a monogamous
relationship. What are the negative thoughts you have about
yourself after you’ve been cheated on? Practice talking back to
8. How can we boost our confidence back up after a
breakup in general even if we haven’t been cheated
Do things you love to do with
people who love you: go dancing, go to the beach, go hear
music, read, etc.
Daily Mood Log on the thoughts that
lead to your lack of confidence.
9. Do you guys believe in the notion that you are
capable of “healing completely from your ex (aka completely being
over them and all the pain the breakup brought you)” or do you
believe that it’s not possible.
I MEASURE THINGS. YOU CAN DO WAY
BETTER AS YOU GROW. IS THERE A CLAIM THAT THERE IS NOW AN INVISIBLE
BARRIER ON YOUR SCORE ON THE BMS. THIS IS SUCH, EXCUSE MY CRUDITY,
HOGWASH! HOPEFULLY, YOU’LL NEVER AGAIN FIND SOMEONE JUST LIKE THE
PERSON WHO REJECTED YOU!
You may never be exactly the same,
why would you want to be? Every experience in life gives you
the opportunity to grow (as cliche and kind of yucky as that
Maybe you need to acknowledge and
examine your role in the breakup, come to a place of humility or
maybe even compassion, but definitely understanding. Interpersonal
Downward Arrow to look at the Roles and Rules in your past
relationships. Relationship Journal to see how you have
contributed to the relationship problems. Maybe do
Reattribution to see what you contributed to the relationship
problems and what they did.
10. What are some realistic expectations to have coming
out of a breakup, recovery wise, and what are some unrealistic
I DON’T IMPOSE MY STANDARDS AND
AGENDAS ON OTHERS! THAT’S LIKE MISSIONARY WORK, TRYING TO GET
SOMEONE TO ADOPT YOUR STANDARDS. I TRY TO LISTEN (EMPATHY) AND THEN
SET THE AGENDA WITH THE PATIENT, AND THE NEGOTIATION STEP IS
SOMETIMES IMPORTANT. I ALSO USE STORY TELLING TO ILLUSTRATE A
RADICALLY DIFFERENT REALITY FROM WHAT THE PATIENT “SEES.”
I can’t add anything to that,
except, after examining your role in the relationship, you may see
the expectations you want to eliminate and the ones you want to
11. Do you guys feel that you shouldn’t date for a
while after getting your heart broken?
THIS CAN BE A GREAT IDEA. I ALWAYS
INSIST, AS PART OF NEGOTIATION PHASE OF AGENDA SETTING, THAT THE
PERSON OVERCOME THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE BEFORE DATING, WHETHER OR
NOT A REJECTION HAPPENED.
This is a very personal
decision. Have you had time to heal before getting into a new
relationship? Have you had time to examine your role so you
can make changes if you choose, so you won’t repeat the same
mistakes in the next relationship?
12. Do you have to move on from your ex to go back out
into the dating world again and to possibly be in a relationship
again? Do you guys feel that “jumping” from relationship to
relationship can be a bad thing? Why or why not?
THESE THINGS ARE ALWAYS ON AN
INDIVIDUAL BASIS. I THINK IT CAN BE HEALTHY TO DATE A VARIETY OF
PEOPLE AND NOT GLOM ONTO THE FIRST PERSON WHO EXPRESSES AN INTEREST
IN YOU. THAT WAY, YOU CAN COMPARE A VARIETY OF RELATIONSHIPS AND IN
ADDITION, YOUR DATING SKILLS WILL IMPROVE. THE “20 THINGS I’M
LOOKING FOR IN AN IDEAL MATE” CAN BE VALUABLE.
“Jumping from relationship to
relationship” sounds so judgmental. Are you finding yourself
in relationships where you have similar complaints from your last
relationship, repeating patterns that you dislike? Then I
would pause and take time to heal and learn before starting another
What does be “moved on” really mean
here? Would you have to never have a thought about your ex again
before dating? That might be impossible! I don’t think there’s
anything wrong with dating multiple people or starting and stopping
relationships with some frequency – especially if you’re looking
for a good fit and it’s not working out with someone.
13. How do you overcome your trust issues when getting
into another relationship after your heartbreak?
PATIENT WOULD HAVE TO GIVE ME A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE, AND NOT DEAL
WITH THIS OR ANYTHING “ABSTRACTLY.”
Daily Mood Log work, starting with
a specific event that led to the lack of trust.
Let us know if you would like a third podcast on how to deal
with romantic rejection at some point, since we have a number of
remaining questions. Thanks!
My book, Intimate Connections, will help you with dating and
You can contact Dr. Kyle Jones at
End of Part 2
About the Podcast
This podcast features David D. Burns MD, author of "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy," describing powerful new techniques to overcome depression and anxiety and develop greater joy and self-esteem. For therapists and the general public alike!