“Why can’t I get close to
my
daughter who I love so much?”
Today, we present Part 2 of the awe-inspiring work that David
and Jill did with Indrani in the Tuesday group at Stanford. Indrani
was a mother with a heart-breaking but all-too-common story of a
conflict with her daughter. Sometimes, we love someone
tremendously, but every time we try to get close, they seem to push
us away. The story should ring true and be helpful to so many
people, as nearly everyone runs into conflicts at times with our
family members, including our parents, siblings and children.
And, as usual, the solution often involves attending to your
“inner” dialogue, which is the conversation you’re having with
yourself about the conflict, and the “outer” dialogue, which is
what happens when you try to get close to the person you love.
And today’s session illustrates not one, but two forms of
enlightenment. The changes in the inner dialogue involves
challenging and crushing the negative messages you’ve been giving
yourself about h problem with the person you love so much. You can
see Indrani’s Daily Mood Log if you click
HERE. As you can see, she’s been telling
herself that her daughter has shut her out of her life, and that
she’ll die alone/ That’s incredibly sad! And she’s also telling
herself that all of her friends have wonderful relationships with
their daughters “and I don’t” and she’s blaming herself for the
problem: “I deserve this treatment,” and “nothing I do pleases
her.”
You can also see the intensity of Indrani’s negative feelings,
including sadness, anxiety, inadequacy, loneliness, embarrassment,
discouragement, irritation, and more.
You can also see a typical exchange with her daughter if you
look at her
Relationship Journal (RJ). As you may know, the
whole theme of my interpersonal model in TEAM-CBT is that we create
our own interpersonal reality at every moment of every day. In
other words, we unknowingly create and cause the exact relationship
problems that we complain about, but just don’t realize this, so we
think there’s something wrong with the other person.
But how can this be? If you look at Step 2 of Indrani’s RJ, her
response to her daughter seems innocent enough! But stayed tuned,
because Indrani makes a shocking and mind-blowing discovery during
the session, and that discovery requires the exceedingly painful
“death” of the “self.” But this “Great Death” is instantly followed
by a “Great Rebirth.!”
At the end of the session, a Tuesday group members named Keren,
said this to Indrani: “You wowed me!” One of the men, Ed, could
barely speak because he was sobbing. You may also be sobbing for
joy when you listen to this heart-warming story.
In part 1, today’s podcast, you’ll hear the initial T = Testing
and E = Empathy. In part 2, in next week’s podcast, you’ll hear the
M = Methods, including Jill and David’s incredible work with
Indrani on her R and her rather sudden discovery, in Step 4, of
exactly how and why she’d been driving her daughter away—and how to
stop doing that and begin to communicate in a way with a far
greater chance of enhancing closeness and love.
The Jill and David turn to Imani’s Daily Mood Log so she can
smash her distorted negative thoughts with the Externalization of
Voices, and several role reversals illustrating the integration of
Self-Defense, the Acceptance Paradox, and the CAT (Counter-Attack
Technique.)
We are extremely grateful to Indrani for giving us this very
intimate glimpse into her inner life in a way that will illuminate
and inspire every person with the good fortune to listen to
Indrani’s amazing Journey this evening!
PS I emailed Indrani this morning to see how she's doing, and
recevied this wonderful reply:
I’m still feeling great…very light
and hopeful. I’ve listened to the audio. I sound goofy at times but
loved re-living the moment when the truth dawned on me and how I
felt immediately afterwards. My daughter Soni ( like the Japanese
electronic company :) is coming on Thursday. I would’ve been filled
with intense anticipatory anxiety but now I can’t wait to give her
a big hug and use what I’ve learnt to connect with her.
I’m looking forward
to watching the video with Soni.
Thank you so much Dr. Burns and
Jill!
Thanks for listening!
Rhonda, Jill, and David
About the Podcast
This podcast features David D. Burns MD, author of "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy," describing powerful new techniques to overcome depression and anxiety and develop greater joy and self-esteem. For therapists and the general public alike!