Today we are proud to be joined again by our old pal, Matthew
May, MD. This is a special two-part edition of Ask David, focusing
on two of the most important problems that trigger emotional and
interpersonal suffering.
Last week, Matt led our discussion of the Inner Bully that
causes the lion’s share of internal suffering in the world.
Feelings of depression and anxiety always result from the harsh
distorted messages we give ourselves, telling ourselves we’re “less
than,” or “defective,” or “unlovable,” and so forth.
However, the world is also filled with Outer Bullies who can be
threatening, even violent. Today we describe how you can often deal
with the Outer bully with the Five Secrets of Effective
Communication (LINK).
Today’s podcast was inspired by a question submitted by
Guillermo, one of our podcast fans:
Hello, Dr Burns
I’ve seen some cases of bullying
lately in schools. Would the 5 secrets help a kid who is being
bullied in school? (Not physical bullying).
I have a son who will be going to
middle school next year and wonder about this.
David’s Reply
Hi Guillermo,
Thanks, I might read question on
podcast and address it. Might have two consecutive shows on the
"inner bully" and then the "outer bully."
I know one thing for sure, although
I am not an expert in this area, and haven't worked much with kids.
But ultimately, only your thoughts can upset you. The words and
criticisms of others will never upset you, unless you buy into
them. So, the good old Daily Mood Log is always the first
step.
Once you no longer find bullying
threatening, it becomes much easier to deal with it. The bully
relies on getting you all scared and terrified and hurt and so
forth.
Warmly, david
Matt began today’s podcast with a real case description working
with a violent, involuntarily hospitalized, 6’6” patient weighing
300 pounds snuck into his office while Matt was dictating his
notes, locked the door, and announced that he was going to kill
Matt because the involuntary hospitalization was “illegal.” The man
had been brought to the hospital by the police in a psychotic manic
state because of bizarre behavior at his home that troubled the
neighbors. Matt was terrified and said, “That was just one occasion
when the Five Secrets of Effective Communication saved my
life!”
Here's what Matt said to the man. I will indicate the
communication technique(s) in each sentence in parentheses at the
end of each sentence:
“You’re right! (Disarming Technique) You served your country
and fought for our freedom (Stroking) and now we’re taking away
your freedom. (Disarming Technique) I feel the same way you do, (I
Feel Statement). Can you tell me more about what you’ve been going
through? (Inquiry)”
The man was taken aback and immediately sat down and began to
open up. Matt continued to empathize, using the Five Secrets, and
after a few minutes the patient fell asleep in his chair. He was
then transferred to a higher security hospital ward.
Essentially, Matt sided with him, rather than getting defensive
or arguing, and saw the truth in what the man was saying, in spite
of the fact that he was floridly psychotic, and treated the man
with respect.
David summarized the case of a colleague of his who was
kidnapped by a violent serial rapist. She also used the Five
Secrets, which transformed the entire nature of the interaction,
and the rapist gave himself up to the police.
He also described being bullied by two violent teenagers in a
gigantic jeep when he was driving home from the drugstore, where
he’d rented an enormous carpet cleaner. David’s use of the Five
Secrets in response to violent threats prevented violence, but also
turned a potentially hostile and abusive interaction into a joyous
and warm one.
We concluded with Bullying Practice, saying the worst
imaginable things to each other, like “David, you’re a terrible
person,” or “Matt, you’re a bad therapist,” or “Rhonda, you’re an
insignificant person,” and then responding with the Five Secrets.
It was an unexpectedly fun exercise, and the Five Secrets triumphed
big time every time! The Outer Bully had no chance at all!
However, this level of skill requires that you’ve mastered your
own inner Bully, so you’re not buying into what the bully says to
you. This gives you a sense of peace and confidence that makes the
Five Secrets a piece of cake, so to speak!
David, Rhonda, and Matt want to emphasize that we make the Five
Secrets look really easy and almost magical. Nothing can be further
from the truth. We do hope to inspire you with examples of what’s
possible, but mastering these powerful tools takes an enormous
amount of dedication, determination, and practice.
If you’d like to learn more, I would strongly recommend reading
David’s book, Feeling Good Together, and doing the written
exercises while reading. This would be an excellent first step!
(Include book cover with link to Amazon.)
Here, by the way, is an interesting link to a Ted Talk on
bullying that you might enjoy. One of our colleagues, Dr. Daniele
Leavy, found it and shared the link with our Tuesday group.
The speaker does a good job of
differentiating what is commonly referred to as bullying from
assault or criminal behavior, and demonstrates how to playfully use
Disarming and Stroking to deflect the bullying.
Thanks for joining us today!
Matt, Rhonda, and David
About the Podcast
This podcast features David D. Burns MD, author of "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy," describing powerful new techniques to overcome depression and anxiety and develop greater joy and self-esteem. For therapists and the general public alike!